lacking nothing. complete in Christ.

Remembering.

it’s been so long since I’ve actually blogged on this thing.  I was just reading my new year post from last year, which is considerably smaller than every year before that in the past.  Maybe this is because I realize that no one really cares about the intricate details of my life.  Or maybe I’m just lazy and that was the excuse I landed on.

I have experienced so much anxiety lately.  About death.  About the past. The present.  The future.  The unresolved things and the things not yet endured.  I have so much “bleuahfeioa” going on.  What is that?  I’m not even sure.  

I want to remember not to forget my life.  There are rarely moments when I take time to be “still”.  Somehow I even forget to be still in my life despite the fact that it’s tattooed on my right foot.  

I’m learning so much.  I can’t wait to take the time to reflect on my year in stillness.  I don’t want to forget all that has happened, though it has been a heck of a bumpy ride.  These are the years that I am supposed to have said that I thrived and that nothing could hold me back.  Yet I am glued to my phone or Facebook and my comfort zone.

I don’t want to live comfortably.  It’s safe but boring.  More thoughts on this to come.

Here’s my post from last year:

2010 || 2011

At the end of 2009, I had no idea what to expect for 2010.  My prayer was that time would pass slowly, and for the most part, it has.  This year has been one of adversity and brokenness. I managed to fail at every single one of my resolutions from last year.  But I did several things over the year including visiting Hollywood, saw John Mayer (twice!), saved a life, earned new incredible best friends, snagged a man that I don’t plan on letting go of, got a tattoo, faced heartbreak and praised God in the middle of it, went to Kaleo, found a counselor, completed my first year of college,  am learning how to address areas of life rationally and so much more.  It’s been a heck of a year. 

This is the first year ever that it’s actually felt like the new year.  I am so ready for a fresh start.  2010 without a doubt, was one of the most difficult that I have ever experienced.  I’m praying that 2011 will begin a process of healing and simplicity.  A year that I will be able to smooth over what’s rough and truly work on myself and address things in me that I hate to see.  

I’m learning that there is so much in me that I was wanting to cover up, but addressing my “stuff” is necessary for a healthy life and a healthy spirit.  I’m embracing my “stuff” and I’m working on myself.  I’m ready for God to show me a new side of himself this year.  I’m ready to embark through life without fear and with fewer worries.  He is in control and when I get in His way, I only mess things up.

I’m making resolutions I’ll actually keep this year.  Here we go !

RESOLUTIONS||
1. Be praying for God to show me His heart - Grow in a deeper more intimate relationship. 
2. Become a hugger and not just wish I was.
3. Read 1 book a month for pleasure.
4. Reach my goal weight.  (This is really the year I’m gonna do it.)
5. SIMPLIFY MY LIFE. IN EVERY AREA ! 

I am so blessed.  So excited for this upcoming year. 

even when I am feeling so overwhelmed and hateful inside, anxiety-consumed and more, God’s love is STILL overflowing for me.  Lord, You are good.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll just begin in the middle.  I have been experiencing an extremely rough time lately, so much so, that I think, if we’re being honest, there is a good chance that I have a slight form of depression.  

I had a lengthy talk with Herschel today about what in the world is going on with me and what we got to basically is this:  I live a life based on worry and my selfishness is getting me nowhere.  He encouraged me to read Romans tonight.  In my head, I thought of how much I have to do… But all my homework was pushed aside.  My quizzes and tests have been postponed.  It’s like God planned this or something.  He may have.  Now that I think about it, I think God used my uncontrollable emotions to lead me to a place of vulnerability.  A place where I am required to listen to everything He has to say.

So I started to read Romans tonight - everything spoke volumes higher than it ever has before.  Then I read Romans 5:8 and, though I’ve heard this verse hundreds of times, tonight it was different.  I decided to sit and be STILL and let her resonate within me.  I sat here for a few good moments with deep thoughtful sighs.  Next thing I know, I’m crying my eyes out. I was literally kissing my Bible.  These last few weeks have been painful and rough for me, so crying is not something foreign to me during this season, however, these tears were not tears of sadness.  These tears were of gratitude and of humble recognition of how unworthy I am to be a child of God.

 I am drowning in grace.  

I started to daydream.  I saw myself standing against a wall at gunpoint.  An angry man saying that I have made a lot of mistakes and I don’t deserve to walk away guilt-free.  Next thing I know, a man walks up to this scene and offers to die instead.  I thought about how, not knowing this man at the time of making my myriad of mistakes, how unfathomable it was that this man, with such a beautiful heart, would want to offer up his own life for mine.  That’s Jesus.  

I thought about my relationship with Herschel.  Sometimes I feel inadequate; like I don’t measure up to the person that (in my mind) is worthy to be his.  I thought about how he accepts me, along with every bad thing I have to offer him.  I thought about how good it feels to be accepted like that.  Herschel’s acceptance of me feels really good - he makes me feel special.  Then realized Herschel accepts me on a 5% level in comparison to how God accepts me.  

I feel appreciated when my boyfriend merely accepts me, but I sink to my knees in thought of the way that God accepts me.

I am overwhelmed by love and grace.  How and WHY would a God who does not need me in the least bit choose to love me?  I am not worth it.  I have nothing offer.  But that’s the point.  I am nothing without the Love my life.  I have nothing to bring but brokenness to the table.  God redeems my Spirit with an “I love you”.  I am blown away by how in which He continues to meet me where I am, especially when I am anything but deserving. 

It’s funny how much more I like myself when I let God be in control.  I am not the same person if God not the Leader of my life.  I am really not fond of who I am without God.  God makes up all the good things within me.  Everything I have on my own falls short.  I don’t want to see who I am without Him.  God gives me my worth.  He is my security, even when I am not always paying attention to the fact that He’s waving it in front of my face.  Yes, I’m a bit oblivious sometimes.  Sometimes I miss it.  But God has used recent circumstances to get my attention.  He’s done just about everything but flick me in the face between my eyeballs.  I feel silly that I’ve been so ignorant to how He has beckoned for my attention.  Here I was, doing all the talking, saying “God, hear my cries”.  He was.  And He is, but I wasn’t listening in return.  I was shouting my sorrow at Him in hopes of a renewed hope and spirit, but missing that He was answering by saying “Come to Me.  Come to Me with all of You.”  

I’m listening.  

I’m so in love.  I literally sat here in my bed and cried for fourty-five plus minutes in thought and appreciation of the way God loves me.  Any words I could offer meant little in what it is that I intend to say to express my level of thankfulness.  I just said, “Father, look at my heart.  See my gratitude.  Take my life, my desires, my comforts, my everything.  I will delight myself in you.  Everything else will fall into place.”  So I let God do the talking and I finally shut up.

Thank You, Lord for speaking to me in ways in which I can hear.  Ways in which, I’ll really listen.  Thank You for getting my attention in this moment.  I love love love love love love You.

 

BUT IF YOU SEE THAT THE JOB IS TOO BIG FOR YOU, THAT IT’S SOMETHING ONLY GOD CAN DO, AND YOU TRUST HIM TO DO IT - YOU COULD NEVER DO IT FOR YOURSELF NO MATTER HOW HARD AND LONG YOU WORKED - WELL, THAT TRUSTING-HIM-TO-DO-IT IS WHAT GETS YOU SET RIGHT WITH GOD, BUT GOD. SHEER GIFT. - ROMANS 4:5 (MSG)

ALL MY DELIGHT.

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the LORD will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won’t become weary. They will walk and won’t grow tired. - Isaiah 40:31

It’s nights like these where I feel completely and utterly blessed.  Blessed that I’m loved by a God that has no reason to love me, yet He yearns for a relationship with me. His love never leaves me despite how little I deserve it.  I am so thankful for the blessings that have been showing in my life, especially prayers that were answered tonight.  I’ve been holding so tightly to fear and worry and I think God has prevailed one, because He is just that good and He hears my cries to Him, and two, He wants me to learn to trust Him for the little and the big things.  I never know what to expect of certain situations, but God is always right there, articulating my words.  I feel so safe in knowing that my God is my delight and my security.  Whatever concerns, worries, or frustrations that I have in my future, or my present for that matter, He hears me and He is HERE.

Thankful for so many things.  My heart is overflowing with joy.

STILL.

These past few days have been long and filled with nearly overwhelming thoughts and emotions.  But it’s certainly remarkable how God still allows me to be thankful at the end of each and every one. I have so many reasons to call myself blessed.

Father, Grant Me Stillness

“Cast your burden upon the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalms 55:22

God, I am holding onto this today.  I’m holding onto You.  I don’t know what it is, but I feel overwhelmed.  It’s hitting me from all angles.  You know fully that my life from the outside seems like it’s holding together well, yet in my mind, I feel like there is a “constant dripping” from nagging at myself so much.  All the pressure I’ve put on myself - unrealistic expectations.

You’ve helped undergo changes this past month.  These changes are good, but I am not used to them.  Father, allow me to smoothly transition from who I was to who I am becoming.  Be my eyes and my compass.  I am walking blindly.  Sometimes I don’t know which way is up.  Healing is a much greater, more difficult concept than I ever anticipated it to be.

Father, help me to become still.  Teach me to lean on You.  Leaning on myself, as I’ve learned time and time again, lacks the power, peace and effectiveness that leaning on You has.  God, please grant me a stillness in my soul the strikes me at my core.  A peace that transcends all my understanding, that goes so much deeper a moments of silence.  Father, I pray that You would remain the center of my focus and my joy.  

Thank You for remaining the same.  For loving me when it feels hard to love myself.  Unconditionally.  Wholly Yours.  God, I ask that You would speak profoundly into my life.  That Your voice would be unmistakeable and loud.  I don’t want to miss it.  God please direct me.  Thank You for wisdom.  Please help me be quiet so that I can hear You.  I trust You’ll bring me some clarity.  Thanks in advance for always following through.

“Cast your burden upon the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalms 55:22

He Will Take Care of Me

Tonight’s sunset was absolutely phenomenal.  No picture could do it justice.  Blue, purple, white, pink and slightly yellow? One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  God always speaks to me through the sunsets.

I’ve been needing encouragement lately.  My anxiety has been battling for dominance over my thoughts and emotions and before tonight, I thought it was going to win and overpower me.  My heavy heart was replenished this evening. 

The Lord has been speaking to me through the sky for over three years, as far as I can remember anyway, and the message remains the same: I am in control.  Do not worry.  Do not fear.  I have not failed you in the past.  I will not fail you in the future.  You are in my hands. I will take care of you. STILL.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the sunset tonight.  The beauty that paints the sky absolutely captivates my full attention.  I just stared, enthralled, marveling at how grateful I am to be in love with the One who orchestrates everything, including each and every color in the sky.  God continues to remind me of the myriad of blessings that I possess.

One week from today, I will be in Tulsa.  Away from friends, away from my boyfriend.  Yes, that can be a little disheartening.  Trying not to countdown my few sparing moments I have left, God directed my heart to focus optimistically on my circumstances.  

The take away? I feel completely submerged in blessings.  I am so thankful for Herschel and for the young man that he is.  I cannot believe someone as special as him even exists.  Not seeing him for three months? Not the most ideal situation ever.  However, I am confident that God will sustain me and any doubts/fears that I may experience both now and in the future.

This morning I was talking to my friend Janette and we both expressed how we are realizing that each season that we face is part of the preparation for the next season.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that “God makes everything beautiful in its own time”.  Regardless of how everything turns out in the end, I know that God will take care of me.  Thankfully, I am not in control. I’d rather have Him be the pilot.

My cup of gratitude is filled to the brim.  God is so so so incredibly good.  My heart feels lifted.  What an incredible love this truly is.  :)

Update:

It’s been a month since I’ve written.  Lots has taken place here in my life lately.  It’s felt like I’ve been fighting an ongoing battle with Satan.  I’ve faced conflict with those around me and I’ve faced conflicts in myself.  

Just a few weeks ago, I found myself in despair.  I had no idea where to turn to seek comfort other than God.  The only answer I kept hearing was, you’re on the right track, do not lose sight of Me.  Keep moving forward.  I have you right where I want you.  His message has been unmistakeable.  I know in my heart that I am where I need to be mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  In the past few short weeks, I’ve witnessed God reminding that He is in control and He’s been giving me hope along the way.  

I came across this verse which has spoken powerfully to me: 
Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. - Pslam 4:4 (KJV)

I have wanting a tattoo that says ‘still’ for roughly a year now.. you could say that my awareness has been heightened to the word.  Other versions of the Bible mention “anger” in this specific verse, but I appreciate this version the most because it says “Stand in awe”.  I have been moving so fast, especially in college, running from one activity to the next, spreading myself so thin… I have been neglecting to be STILL.  In those moments where I see God, I need to not just acknowledge that He is there, but STAND IN AWE.  Let it SOAK in.  

I get the chills thinking about my journey to this point of my life.  I wonder what God thought as He watched my life unfold, as He gave me opportunities and chances to make choices.  I wonder what his longing for me was like as He yearned for my attention- especially in those moments where I am oblivious to just how good He has been.

This morning I took the time to say a prayer of gratitude.  I do every so often, but honestly, all my thanks are long overdue.  He is so good to me in all moments, sunshine or storm, I should be thanking Him every moment I’m awake.  God has provided me with strength and hope, and greatest of all, He has provided love.  He has been a point of focus.  He brings me delight when it seems that I’ve earned every right to break down and give up trying.  

My life is whirling around me, but all the while, God keeps demonstrating exactly who He claims to be.  He has not forsaken me.  He loves me. He cherishes me.  He is leading me.  He has strengthened me.  He’s shown me that I must be vulnerable sometimes.  He provides me with hope.  He provides grace.  He is making me humble.  He is reminding me of the value He gives me.

I am listening.  I am faithful. I am thankful.

When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your love, O LORD, supported me. - Psalm 94:18

Familiar Fiend

Satan has been on my back lately and I hadn’t realized it until this week.  I have had such strong feelings of inadequacy and doubt that have been trying to dominate all my thoughts.  I have been listening to all those negative emotions that have been weighing in on me, but now I fully aware of what is really happening.

I have an incredible opportunity to participate in this summer.  As I was preparing to write letters for sponsorship, feelings of being overwhelmed and insufficiency were taking over me.  The weight on my shoulders was just growing heavier. It has become exhausting.  Kaleo may be the most exciting program that I will ever participate in my life.  I will be meeting new friends and grow closer with the ones I already have in addition to learning skills that will equip me to help further God’s kingdom.  So… you can see why Satan might want to mess this up.

I also am in an incredible relationship that Satan continually tries to sabotage with my weaknesses.  He knows those feelings of doubt that I fall for and all those vulnerable thoughts that I will listen to.  Like everyone in this world, I have my fair share of moments of insecurity.  But when those moments strike, it seems that Satan does too - without mercy.   Herschel is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.  We are “equally yoked” and I am constantly learning from him.  The fact that we even met and that we are dating has all been so deliberately orchestrated.  Everything from our personalities to our timing (of everything that includes “us”) has been absolutely impeccable.  There’s a reason.  So, Satan tries to mess with that a lot too.

These are the moments when I take the time to remember just how wonderful and big my God is.  That He has never left my side, not even for a moment.  I remember that He holds my life in His hands.  That my moments of weakness will eventually develop growth in my near future.  So Father, I’m looking up to you.

My eyes are welling with tears because I know that You’re here.  I know that even when I feel like I can’t handle life coming at me from so many different directions, You’re there to help me manage.  I know You are orchestrating each and every moment of my life.  There have been too many “coincidences” in my life to consider this season I’m in a coincidence.  I do not believe in luck.  I believe that You have me right where You want me and Satan cannot stand that.  He hates that I am on the edge of my seat waiting for You lead me, waiting to hear Your voice, listening to hear that You love me.  He’s doing everything in His power to break me down.  Well, no sir.  It will not happen because You’re on my side.  ”If God is on our side, who can be against us?”

I DO NOT HAVE THE ONE PROBLEM THAT GOD CANNOT HANDLE.

You’re here with me.  STILL.