lacking nothing. complete in Christ.

“Nothing is Impossible With God”

this is not to be taken lightly, but literally. God has been speaking to me so loudly that I can’t ignore it any longer. I’m choosing to believe that God can do what He says He can do.

(more thoughts to come soon.)

An intimate relationship with the Lord is all you need.

How refreshing is it to know that God doesn’t require us to understand all of His complexities? God makes it simple or us. All that is required is to know that He loved us enough to send His only Son to pay the debt of our sins and we must then put our trust in Him. We do not need to be biblical scholars in order to intimately connect with the King of Kings, though the extra knowledge may be beneficial. God loved us long before we ever understood the concept of love or anything else. He loved us before we were formed and created by His wonderful craftsmanship. The Gospel speaks for itself. It does not require eloquence or perfection to have power. There is no reason to feel inadequate. Knowing Christ provides whatever we need where we lack it. Jesus compensates for our shortcomings. Because of the price Jesus paid, we can boast in our weaknesses because that’s where His power is perfectly demonstrated to showcase His strength. we know that the Holy Spirit is indeed enough.

2011 Reading

I love reviewing what I’ve read. here’s my list from 2011:

Desiring the Kingdom by James K.A. Smith
Leadership in the Wesleyan Spirit by Lovett Weems
In the Name of Jesus by Henri R. Nouwen
Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi
A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Beauty and the Beast
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose
Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeil, & Douglas Morrison
The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm
The World’s Religions by Huston Smith
Civilization and its Discontents by Sigmund Freud
The Future of an Illusion by Sigmund Freud
Neuroscience, Psychology and Religion* by Malcome Jeeves & Warren S. Brown
The Neurotic Personality of Our Time** by Karen Horney
The Devil in the White City** by Erik Larson
Committed** by Elizabeth Gilbert
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson

Quite a list, huh? Granted a giant number of those were for classes of mine, but even so, I am not surprised that my eyes were tired in the least bit after a year of reading quite like this. Woo hoo! That’s one resolution that I actually conquered. Ready for another year of reading! :)

*didn’t finish
**didn’t finish, but will finish it another time.

movin’ on up to 2012

I feel weird as I’m writing this. For one, I am not feeling eloquent in the least bit and for two, a lot has happened in the last year. I’m not so sure I am ready for another one… haha. I say that as if I had a choice.

On January 1st, 2011… I thought that 2010 was a rough year. Funny how life is… 2011 was no easier on me. It was by far one of the greatest years of growth that I have ever experienced. I feel like I say that every year, but this year, I mean it the most. I stretched myself in areas that I wasn’t exactly ready for.

In 2011, I attended SMC despite my undefined feelings about Kaleo, I moved to another city, I lived in two different suites with all kinds of personalities, I had the worst job I’ve EVER had, I nearly met my weight loss goal (but got pretty darn close!), I did my best to nurse Herschel’s physical pain (from Peru…) and he nursed my emotional pain, discovered Zumba, was a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s weddings, I became acquainted with Al-anon, made new friendships!, I ran my first 5k, I went to the circus, was an NSI mentor, got rid of TONS of stuff that I don’t need, chopped my hair off, led a small group, volunteered for LifeTools in helping teens deal with emotions, endured all sorts of growth through counseling and psychology classes, solidified my relationship with Herschel through openness and vulnerability, watched Herschel graduate, got accepted as a counselor for Pine Cove, saw most of my family members and found a passion for sex trafficking and sexual abuse victims and so much more. I have spent time (over break at least) reading and resting. This year, just thinking about it, has been exhausting.

This is not one of those years where I ramble on and on about how time has flown. I don’t feel that it has. It trickled by slowly. When I was stuck in unpleasant situations, time ticked on…. but I was the busiest I have ever been. Overcommitted without a doubt. As I sit here, I don’t feel inspired… which is rare for me this time of year. But I know that things will get better than they are now, or that’s my prayer at least.

As I look back on 2011, I realize the giant transformation that has taken me from the person I was year ago the person I am now. I have always said that I felt 22… strangely enough… I just feel 20 now. Even so, I feel like I have aged another four or five years in the last twelve months. Perhaps I don’t wanna grow older. Not sure, but all I know is that I have endured deep joy and deep hurt in 2011. I have felt deep pride in my accomplishments and deep pain in my heart after many things resurfaced.

This year, I lost almost thirty pounds. I don’t say that to brag, but that is a monumental feat for this girl. I never in a bajillion years thought that I could do it, but I did. My weight loss began the catalyst for change in the upcoming months. I worked hard on my physical/outer self, but I pushed even harder to work on my emotional/inner self. The change I experienced in my heart is so incredible that I cannot even put it into words. Sometimes I fear that I am going to slip back to my old ways, but I am trying to hold my head high and think positively. Great things have happened and I have healed tremendously. In the process, God has revealed to me (just a glimpse of) what He thinks I am worth. This year I learned that I lack nothing because I am His child. He compensates for all my weaknesses. Everything that is good in me comes from God and God alone.

Last year I made resolutions that I mostly kept, which is impressive considering my track record. In the year 2012, these will be my resolutions:

1. Don’t slack off on Quiet Time.  It’s easy to get caught up in life, but there’s no
excuse that justifies giving God sloppy seconds. Stillness requires intentionality.
2.  Actually reach my goal weight — just a few more lbs to go. No more
emotional eating. Perhaps less Diet Coke? Noooooo.
3. Don’t overcommit myself to too many groups/activities. Take it slow.
4. If and when I can’t do something or be “perfect”, don’t beat myself up. Guilt is
not a useful emotion. I can’t get it right ALL the time and I don’t have to please
everyone. (Remember: “just for today” and “easy does it”).
5. Get ahead of the game, work on assignments in advance, grab ahold of that
schedule. Leave room for some solitude so I don’t explode. Oh, and have fun!
6. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!  Don’t let awkward conflict ruin
my relationships. Learn to express my feelings and needs in a healthy manner.
7. Document! Take the few minutes every once in a while to blog or journal
thoughts. Take pictures. Make scrapbooks. Vlog. Whatever. Don’t forget to
remember.

That’s it for now. I am hoping to live better this year than I did last year and use what I know and my life experiences to enhance or bring light to the lives of others. On January 1st, 2013 I would like to say that I am proud of the Jordan that lived in 2012. It all begins now.

In the words of Rosie Golan, “It’s been a long year and I’m finally ready to be here.”

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into when I first opened this book. I heard about its popularity over the last few years and when the movie came out this December, that was the last straw. I started and finished it within the week. Christmas week, no less. This crime novel was meticulously plotted and it’s result was a masterpiece. I haven’t read the other two novels in the series yet, but I expect them to be just as wonderful. I will say that it was verrrry slow at times, but it makes up for the slow parts with the action in the rest of the book. Also- I thought about this book in my spare time. A lot.

I was fascinated by the girl with the dragon tattoo, Lisbeth Salander. I am so ready to see the film despite my apprehension about everything it might show. This book/movie is not for little eyes or ears. It’s graphic in every sense of the word. I won’t even lie about it, I had trouble sleeping last night. I kept picturing people attacking me. So mature, I know. My so-called irrational fears do not seem so irrational haha. Anyway, this book was great. I am not saying much about it because I feel like anything and everything that I say will spoil it. I give her four out of five stars.

So excited for the movie. It was directed by David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Benjamin Button). I’ve heard this was his goriest movie yet. But honestly, you couldn’t make the movie without being gory. It wouldn’t be the same story. Excited to see it.

Note: Not for young ones. And I would consider thirteen… maybe even fourteen… young.

Wisdom for Recovery. Wisdom for Life.

First Things First
Live and Let Live
Let go and let God
Time takes time
One day at a time
Is your program powered by Will Power or Higher Power?
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude
Misery is optional
God never made no junk
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less
Live life on life’s terms
You can’t think your way into a new way of living…you have to live your way into a new way of thinking
The key to freedom is in the Steps
GOD = Good Orderly Direction
HALT = don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
Your worth should never depend on another persons opinion
HOW it works = Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness
SLIP = Sobriety Lost Its Priority
It’s a simple program for complicated people
The newcomer is the most important person in any meeting
Keep coming back, it works if you work it
Learn to listen and listen to learn
Many meetings, many chances; few meetings, few chances; no meetings, no chances
Meeting makers make it
People who don’t go to meetings don’t hear about what happens to people who don’t go to meetings
To keep what you have, you have to give it away
How does it work? It works just fine
If you don’t want to slip, stay away from slippery places
If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got
If you sit in the barber’s chair long enough, you’ll eventually get a haircut
Most things can be preserved in alcohol; dignity, however, is not one of them
Progress, not perfection
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die
think……think…….think
Keep it simple
This too shall pass
Stick with the winners
H O P E = Happy Our Program Exists
Recovery is a journey …not a destination
To thine own self be true
Turn it over
Nothing is so bad, a drink won’t make it worse
Willingness is the key
Take what you need and leave the rest
If you expect respect, be the first to show some
Keep the plug in the jug
Do it sober
Although we are not responsible for our disease we are responsible for our recovery
Hugs not Drugs
Just for Today
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight
Pass it on
If you want to stay clean, don’t use
Don’t quit before the miracle happens
Learn to listen and listen to learn
Use the 24-hour plan
Nobody ever found recovery as a result of an intellectual awakening
When all else fails, follow directions
Change is a process, not an event
Call your sponsor before, not after, you take the first drink
Give time time
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired
You only get out of it what you put into it
It’s the first drink that gets you drunk
An addict alone is in bad company
Recovery begins with the First Step
Help is only a phone call away
Nothing changes if nothing changes
It is possible to change without improving - it is impossible to improve without change
Experience, strength and hope not opinions, bullshit and dope
One drink is too many and a thousand not enough
Keep coming back
An addict cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time
Easy does it
Easy does it but do it
Stick with the winners - Win with the stickers
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm
Feelings are not facts
Principles before personalities
Turn it over, don’t turn it off
Seven days without a meeting makes one weak
Growing old is mandatory - Growing up is optional
Slogans are wisdom written in shorthand

OH MERCY. I’m feeling a little over-inspired at the moment. The cure? Perhaps a video blog….

Remembering.

it’s been so long since I’ve actually blogged on this thing. I was just reading my new year post from last year, which is considerably smaller than every year before that in the past. Maybe this is because I realize that no one really cares about the intricate details of my life. Or maybe I’m just lazy and that was the excuse I landed on.

I have experienced so much anxiety lately. About death. About the past. The present. The future. The unresolved things and the things not yet endured. I have so much “bleuahfeioa” going on. What is that? I’m not even sure.

I want to remember not to forget my life. There are rarely moments when I take time to be “still”. Somehow I even forget to be still in my life despite the fact that it’s tattooed on my right foot.

I’m learning so much. I can’t wait to take the time to reflect on my year in stillness. I don’t want to forget all that has happened, though it has been a heck of a bumpy ride. These are the years that I am supposed to have said that I thrived and that nothing could hold me back. Yet I am glued to my phone or Facebook and my comfort zone.

I don’t want to live comfortably. It’s safe but boring. More thoughts on this to come.

Here’s my post from last year:

2010 || 2011

At the end of 2009, I had no idea what to expect for 2010. My prayer was that time would pass slowly, and for the most part, it has. This year has been one of adversity and brokenness. I managed to fail at every single one of my resolutions from last year. But I did several things over the year including visiting Hollywood, saw John Mayer (twice!), saved a life, earned new incredible best friends, snagged a man that I don’t plan on letting go of, got a tattoo, faced heartbreak and praised God in the middle of it, went to Kaleo, found a counselor, completed my first year of college, am learning how to address areas of life rationally and so much more. It’s been a heck of a year.

This is the first year ever that it’s actually felt like the new year. I am so ready for a fresh start. 2010 without a doubt, was one of the most difficult that I have ever experienced. I’m praying that 2011 will begin a process of healing and simplicity. A year that I will be able to smooth over what’s rough and truly work on myself and address things in me that I hate to see.

I’m learning that there is so much in me that I was wanting to cover up, but addressing my “stuff” is necessary for a healthy life and a healthy spirit. I’m embracing my “stuff” and I’m working on myself. I’m ready for God to show me a new side of himself this year. I’m ready to embark through life without fear and with fewer worries. He is in control and when I get in His way, I only mess things up.

I’m making resolutions I’ll actually keep this year. Here we go !

RESOLUTIONS||
1. Be praying for God to show me His heart - Grow in a deeper more intimate relationship.
2. Become a hugger and not just wish I was.
3. Read 1 book a month for pleasure.
4. Reach my goal weight. (This is really the year I’m gonna do it.)
5. SIMPLIFY MY LIFE. IN EVERY AREA !
I am so blessed. So excited for this upcoming year.

sometimes you waste your life away on Pinterest and reading other people’s blogs. sometimes you get really inspired to write your own goodies about life and the works. but sometimes you are also really tired at the same time and you have a class that starts at 8 in the morning the next day. but you don’t give up hope. so… sometimes you decide FOR REAL this time that you’re gonna do the whole blog shindig. and you get really excited when you decide this. it’s happening. this is so happening.

almost :)

it’s hard to believe that I will be moving back on campus in thirteen days from now. there is so much more to accomplish between now and then, but I am getting so excited. know why? because I’m excited to learn again (if only the work didn’t come along with the learning…) and because I am ready to rekindle my friendships. I’m ready for NSI and I’m so ready to see what God has in store for this next year. I am excited. yes, yes, yes, I do believe I am.

there is so much that lies ahead. aye yii yiiiii !

God Loves the Unlovely, Including me.

Every month, there is roughly a weeks worth of time where I witness the ugliest version of myself. You guessed it, ladies. Satan always clutters my mind with how I am not good enough, how I’m too broken, and the like. I’m an emotional mess this week and I find myself wallowing in guilt and dwelling on my most blunt aggressive, in-my-face flaws. I feel them staring at me, glaring. Often times, I feel like I lose.

These thoughts are not from God, because these are not who God says I am. According to the LORD, I am valued and highly prized. By God’s standard, I am enough. He has created me beautifully. Regardless of what trials life presents, I can sit back and smile because I know very well that I am a daughter of the King. He loves me in this moment, broken pieces and all.

This past week, I attended my first Al-anon meeting. I learned, among many things, that I need to keep attending. The transparency at this meeting was refreshing and almost disarming. I wasn’t sure I was so ready to be as vulnerable as they were, but I was fascinated by these women revealing their open wounds, letting us all have a peek in what they know as their deepest, daily struggles. Even more amazingly, though this is/was a safe place for being raw and open, but it also is a place full of optimism and hope. After only being in the meeting for twenty-four minutes, I decided this place could be feel home to me.

Just days ago, Herschel, being the sweetest man in the world that he is, was speaking lovingly to me, filling up my words-of-affirmation love tank. He expressed how deeply he cares for me and the fact that he is never going to leave or abandon me. Even now as I write this, tears well up in my eyes. Those sweet words, which should bring the utmost joy, brought me both a smile and an episode of sobbing. In the Al-anon meeting, we read a passage written about feeling “pleasure and pain” at the same time. My ears perked up because just days ago, I thought I was nuts because my emotions were all screwy and remained (until now) without explanation. This “pleasure and pain” phenomenon is a result of feeling the pleasure of experiencing love and happiness, but pain also because of the reminder that you’ve have been aching and yearning to hear and experience that love for however long. I am not talking about boyfriend/girlfriend love here, folks. I have love scars that I am not neccessarily sure I am willing to delve into on Tumblr, but I have been hurt before and it hasn’t always been from sophomoric boyfriends. However, my point is that I was thankful to finally realize that I’m not insane. I’m just a little banged up, that’s all. :)

My prayer is this:
Father, help. Would you help me to distinguish the difference between working on myself and dweeling on myself? Would you help me to release the inclination to inflict myself with pain as a result of criticism and mean thoughts? Help me to heal the wounds that have been allegedly dormant for so long. Help me to experience healing and renewal of both my heart and my spirit. Help me to not only to acknowlege my problems, but help me to take the simple, non-overwhelming steps to overcome my “gremlins”. Help me to remember that this battle is not mine to fight, but it is Yours. I cannot do this alone. Please help me to learn to trust You more than myself, even when I can’t see the ground that I’m leaping over. I love you. Thank you for loving me even when I’m not lovely. Amen.

“TEACH US TO NUMBER OUR DAYS, THAT WE MAY GAIN A HEART OF WISDOM.” - Psalm 90:12

So here I am, finally in Norman and I am just beginning the process of going through my myriad of boxes stacked in my crowded garage. Right now, I am perusing old letters and pictures and I have seriously found everything from graduation cards, pictures that I forgot about, birthday cards, cards from when I was at camps, old dorky love letters to letters with vital information such as “my eye shadow is called Champagne Freeze! Isn’t that amazing?!”. After hours and hours of this, you think it would get old, but it doesn’t. It’s like Christmas and after opening each and every letter and card. As I read them, I remember how wonderful words can sound and sudden waves of nostalgia wash over me each time.

Some of the highest compliments, praise and affirmations I have ever received are within those letters, but opening them was so bittersweet. I have to admit, I let myself have a good ugly cry at one point. People have seriously melted my heart with their sweet words and I found myself wondering… “Am I still this great person that they wrote these cards to?”. Has life gotten in the way of who I want to be? Have I gotten in the way of who I want to be? Have I gotten in the way of who God wants me to be? These thoughts could just be the provoked result of menstrual hormones, but these are reflections that I refuse to brush away.

Time flies incredibly fast. I have cards saying, “you’re the most unbelievable 13 year old I’ve ever known”, “happy sweet sixteen” and “I can’t believe you’re 18 years old!”. Where did all the time go? I opened so many letters that began with phrases like, “I am so sorry you’re going through this awful time” and “you’ve been looking really down lately” and “I can’t believe how strong you are as you’re going through this”. Call me crazy… maybe I have selective memory… I know my life has not been all roses, but after going through four boxes of memories, I didn’t realize I had so much to be sad about. Yikes. I don’t want to remember that. Maybe there’s a reason I suddenly can’t remember.

Even so, I seriously could not believe the encouragement in those letters. What a support system I’ve had over the past 10 years. Wow, I am old enough to say “10 years ago…”. It’s amazing to me how through every trial and tribulation, God provided me with someone that could support me in my weakest moments. I have had more best friends than I can count on both hands in my lifetime. Yes, they have come and gone, but their purposes in my life cannot be underestimated. They were there for me to learn different life lessons and to bring strength and joy to my life. I believe that even after all this time that those friendships have the potential to be rekindled.

I AM SO VERY BLESSED.

Reading these letters and these reminds me how fleeting our lives are. We are here for merely a moment and then we pass away. I believe that God has a purpose for not only me, but for you. He has the ability to transform you from the worst version of yourself to the best version of yourself that you’ve not quite seen/been before, but even so, He loves you equally in both conditions.

I am convinced that somewhere along the way, I have lost pieces of myself in my busyness and within my selfishness. I don’t want to be stuck in that place. I want my whole self and my best self to be here now. There is no time to be stuck in busyness. What a powerful reminder that each day has great potential to be wonderful and meaningful.

Life is too short to let my menstrual cycle to get the best of me. It’s too short to get irritable with my family members smacking their food at the dinner table or bouncing stupid basketballs incessantly on the tiled kitchen floor. It’s too fast to remain dwelling in regret. It’s too short to waste time doing things you hate. It’s too short to not tell loved ones how much you care. And life is definitely too short to not be a source of positive influence in the life of someone else.

This experience has inspired me yet again, to be the best version of myself. With the grace of the Holy Spirit, I think it just might a manageable task.

Psalm 39:4-6:
“Lord, make me to know my end,
and what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
Indeed, the number of my days is small like the size of a hand.
And my age is as nothing before You.
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.”